The Truth of Loneliness & The Room of Emptiness

Loneliness is something I have faced time and time again in my life. As a kid it was enforced by others, my parents mainly and their choice to homeschool me made isolation the status quo. When I was given the chance to interact with the peers in my small suburban neighborhood, of which there were only a handful I was a pariah. I was a pariah for many different reasons, homeschooling was one, my brother’s drug O.D. when I was 4 and he was 16 was another, and there were many other small things. Because of the religious view points of my parents I wasn’t allowed to participate in things like POGs or the Magic Card Game because they were demonic. My lack of knowledge on these things only fueled the endless supply of harsh and cutting treatment I faced with peers outside of my home. I learned very early… Continue Reading

Our Digital Lives

When I look back on my digital presence nostalgically I see so many different lives, so many different expressions of myself. All of them different but all of them the same. Since I was about 9 years old I have lived my life digitally. The world inside my personal computer was so much better than the world I faced away from the keyboard. When I stepped away from the keyboard my life was fraught with strife, anxiety, and abuse. Whether it be the physical and emotional abuse I experienced at the hands of my family, to the social trauma I was exposed to constantly if I stepped outside our house. I was different, everyone knew it. I just couldn’t fit in with the kids in our neighborhood, and being home schooled made nothing easier. I didn’t belong and it was obvious. I wasn’t gay, but I wasn’t straight. By the… Continue Reading

A response with some regard to “Gamergate”

I just watched this video by Boogie2988, someone I actually really enjoy as a figure head and respect. But I wanted to provide a reply as well from my point of view as a transgendered gamer. Most of the gaming community, especially those on PC are very fun to interact, and to engage in gameplay with. However, being transgendered I have been on the losing side of some very nasty and hateful gamers, as well as entire clans. You see, back in 2010 when I started to transition from male to female I was not only kicked out of a clan I had gamed with for 8 years, nearly a decade for simply my gender identity. Time and time again I have faced judgement and ridicule for identifying as female when it is found out I am transgendered. While this post isn’t meant to be some long, preaching message, it’s… Continue Reading

Centered

There is a state of being I’ve arrived at recently. I can’t quite put it to words, it’s a feeling of perhaps general elation. A feeling that everything will be okay and that through any challenge ahead I can make it through. A feeling that out there, my dreams can be found and answered. Despite all of the abuse I suffered as a child, emotional and physical. Despite all of the losses I faced at the hands of very violent bullying, despite the death of my brother to a drug overdose, and feeling as if I could never fit in. Despite being told by my father I would be a failure and that my conception itself was a mistake… Through all of that, through having the living hell beat out of me, from being shot at for fun by other teenagers, and so much more. Through it all I was… Continue Reading

The truth about acceptance.

My employment in real life often leaves me with some real moral qualms, not to mention that my boss, and the owner of the place is a bit sexist, if not a lot. Despite these things and despite him existing as an asshole he has always accepted me as transgendered. While it bugs me he will call me “babygirl” or “babe” (and I return him the stare of death) he at least affirms my female identity, despite knowing my origins. That’s the thing, the cold, and ugly truth. I’ve worked places. I worked at Seagate here in Oklahoma City and during training class the instructor who is also who hired me called me out as “being actually a boy.” Things working for Microsoft weren’t much better, but due to legal concerns I won’t say anything more here openly. Time and time again I have been rejected and placed into very… Continue Reading

The curious case of the female gamer.

One of the things I wanted to write about first, as this blog opens up was about my perspective as a female gamer. I am very blutly ignoring much of the news and rants going around on the whole “Zoe Quinngate” matter, I feel that it’s just immaterial at this point. People being upset for the sake of being upset and trolling a long with it. At this point I really just don’t care. My experience and desire as a girl gamer is far from wanting special treatment, as so many people opposing the girl gamer movement seem to assume. In fact part of what I want to end is how in being female I am treated specially in guilds and with other gamers. A great example would be FFXIV where I have had many things showered down on me simply because people knew I was female beyond the game.… Continue Reading

April 6th, 2011 – The Portland Incident

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand that there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep… That have taken hold.” — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King Preamble. ¬†Who was I back then, back before what would change me forever took place? Well, I was 23 years old. I lived in Minnesota as Alex Koontz. My name had yet to be changed, you see I was and in the present very much transgendered. I was born male and nothing in my life ever felt right, not until those few months before which would become known simply as “Portland” to me, my friends, and others. You see, I went “full time”– Living full time as a female and I started hormone replacement… Continue Reading